You know what I love? Pizza. You know what I hate? Having to get dressed to go and get pizza. Fortunately for me (and for you too, if you're anything like me), most pizza places will deliver right to your front door and that is just fantastic.
Here's the fun thing: I also know what it's like to be on the other side of the looking glass delivering the pizzas! And here's the super fun thing: there are a number of things that you can do as a customer that will make your local delivery driver want to punch you in the neck. In a fun way! But you are in luck! I can tell you exactly what you're doing and how to avoid it so that the smile your delivery driver gives you is no longer forced.
3. Please don't make money matters more complicated than they need to be
We understand that you don't necessarily have the exact money on you all the time and that is fine. You know what isn't fine? When you pay an eighty dollar bill entirely in twenty cent pieces. Your delivery driver might smile at you and make some jokes but inside they are thinking of throwing all of those coins at you. Even worse is when the coins that you're paying with are completely unorganised. Do not empty a big pile of coins into your pizza person's hand and expect that they will then leave. That pizza person has to count all of that to make sure that it's all there because if their float is short at the end of the night, they have to pay for it. Also, if you decide that you want to split your bill then that is fine... Just don't take it out on your pizza person. Do not try to pay for a fifty dollar bill using a twenty dollar note and two fifty dollar notes and then expect to get separate change for it. Your delivery person probably only has about forty dollars worth of change on them and you're making things much, much more difficult than they need to be.
So:
- Do not pay your pizza person all in coins because they will hate you.
- Do not stare at them angrily or try to dismiss them while they're counting the huge pile of coins that you just dumped into their hand because they will hate you.
- Do not try to split your bill in an irritating and needlessly complicated way because they will hate you.
Bonus points: Do not ask if you can pay using your card when the delivery person very obviously does not have an Eftpos machine or any other means of accepting your card. Come on. Your delivery person is not an ATM.
2. Please pay attention to when your pizza is arriving
I cannot count the number of times that I have arrived at a customer's house and knocked on their door and not had them come to the door. Then tried again. Then called them. Repeat process.
Seriously, if you are the type of person who thinks "I've ordered a pizza so I guess that right now is the perfect time to go and do something on the far side of my house with my phone turned off" - your pizza person probably hates you. Your pizza person is not going to hang around your house waiting for you to notice them there. They will try to contact you as best as they can but then they will leave and go back to their shop. If that ends up happening, do not call the shop and abuse the people working there because your pizza is late. No. Your pizza was on time and the driver tried to contact you but they couldn't get through to you so they left.
1. Please don't keep talking for a really long time after your pizza has been delivered
A lot of the deliveries that I have done have been to people who are having a party and that is lovely, but I just don't have time to hold an extended conversation with you after I've dropped your pizza off. I love talking to customers, I really do, but I'm always busy and there is usually another delivery waiting for me back at the shop. So, if I've delivered your pizza and said "alright, you have a good night" then turned away to leave, please do not try to keep talking to me because I will have to awkwardly end the conversation and get back to work.
Side note: Do not invite your pizza person to your party because it makes them feel uncomfortable. It's a really nice gesture but we both know that it isn't a sincere offer and somehow it'd be even more awkward if it were. Just don't do it. Please. Don't make things weird for everyone.
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